i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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