A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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