after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
