Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
