I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You have to summon your inner elephant
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
FUCK WHALES
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