are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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