Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
