you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
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