Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
