Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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