I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It was a blind-side dick pic.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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