To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
be right there i have to get my cape
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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