Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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