nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
