i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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