okay pat passed out under dana's car
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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