why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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