my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
