Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
