After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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