Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
