i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
