I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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