Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I love you.
Bad choice
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