just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
