your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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