explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
tell me about the eggs
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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