Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
