I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
