he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like