chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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