It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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