Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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