Umm I'm too high to move.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
