No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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