you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
