i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
