This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
