hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
