woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's shark week go big or go home
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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