Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
