if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
