i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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