My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
