Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
