I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
