Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
