thus making me awesome and them whores
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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