I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
