An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
is that a dick in a sweater?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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