funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
