My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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