She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
