Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
