I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
