He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
