I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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