This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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