apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
