Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That accounts for only three of the penises
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
