My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
