Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
